AS AN Australian living in England, I find myself constantly baffled. I don't understand why the English invent sports they cannot play. Why raisins are in Picnic chocolate bars. Why commuters can't move down in a carriage on the Tube. And why, while the Brits drive on the same side as us, they walk on the opposite side of the footpath.

But this last week has seen me shaking my head in wonder to the point where I appear to have developed a tic.

As you may be aware, the editorial policies of the BBC have been under fire in the letters pages of pretty much every tabloid paper since two of its comedians, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, called up the actor formerly known as Manuel from Fawlty Towers, Andrew Sachs, for a prank.

All reason and logic were progressively abandoned as moral outrage gained momentum. The prank was rubbish. I've heard other comics call Buckingham Palace to ask for the return of their Nazi costume - so the idea of leaving a message on an answerphone about having slept with someone's granddaughter seemed lame.

Far be it from me to hold a mirror up to society, but I question whether a woman who is alleged to be a paid dominatrix and sings in a band called Satanic Sluts has had her virtue tarnished.

Next thing, the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, another BBC talent, was taken to task over a rerun that included a pedestrian comment about the Queen. Note it was a rerun: the show aired to no complaints.

Now I read that the Top Gear frontman Jeremy Clarkson has been whacked by the taste police for an off-the-cuff remark about lorry drivers having a predisposition for murdering prostitutes. Charities set up to defend victims of the Ipswich murderer and prostitutes have rallied, saying that to be dissed is one thing but to be dissed by Jeremy Clarkson...

What is going on? This is the country that gave us Monty Python and Derek And Clive. It is the country that voted as the funniest comedy flick of all time a film in which the mother of the alleged Messiah said she had been raped - "at first".

I'm prepared to pass the hat around West London to cover air fares for the Chasers to come over and shake things up. But they'd only be arrested on the ground of indecency.

Wait a minute ...

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