MY FRIEND Rosemary and I have heard the clarion call to arms - well I did. She wasn't wearing her hearing aid. In a noble act of self sacrifice we wish to present ourselves at the nearest defence recruitment office and offer our services to our country, her majesty, the flag and thingys of that nature.

We are part of the "ageing population" that we feel is being unfairly maligned by the media. Geez, don't you people have parents? I mean you don't hear the medical profession complaining, do you? We're a veritable bonanza for them.

Rosemary has a dicky hip but her eyesight is phenomenal, whereas my eyesight is a worry but I have fantastic hips. In short, we complement each other and our combined talents would benefit any man's army. Not only that, you can't scare us - we've got grandchildren.

It has always seemed a shame that our defence force insists on recruits being young and fit. What on earth for? It's London to a brick that by the time you get back - if you get back - you won't be in that happy condition. It's very boring sitting around waiting to kill people and the highest rate of casualties during a recent war was females being sent home pregnant.

But whatever your condition, your glorious government will deny it. So they may as well start off with the lame, deaf, dumb and perpetually perplexed. It should also be considered a plus if you are a murderer, a rapist or partial to pillage.

Over the years Rosemary and I have learnt one of the most important attributes that we think is needed in a defence force - low animal cunning. We wouldn't go out on patrols in long columns of Humvees because then the enemy knows we are the enemy. You might as well have the lead vehicle with a siren and a loudhailer: here we come, ready or not. No, we'd sneak around and if we wanted a better view we'd crawl up the nearest hill - well, I would probably do the crawling because of Rosemary's aforementioned hip.

We would do away with all those hours wasted on square-bashing exercises because that's only to teach young men unquestioning obedience. It takes a loudhailer and a bellowing sergeant-major to achieve that but girls like to argue. We think thoughtlessly killing people or being killed ourselves needs some serious questioning. "What am I doing here?" would be a good one for a start.

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