Happy and gay ... in the biblical way

THE St Jensen's Parish Newsletter: Friends, our text for today is Deuteronomy 28: XXII. The Lord shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.

This promise in the Bible gives us great comfort as we see the evils of homosexuality and heresy into which some of our Anglican brethren have so sadly fallen. As our Archbishop-for-Life, The Rt Rev Dr Nesbitt Jensen teaches us, God will punish the wicked with a vengeance. Admittedly the bit about mildew is puzzling, but it is a valuable reminder that the Lord works in mysterious ways. As many of you will know, Archbishop Nesbitt has recently been in Jerusalem leading the Global Anglican Future Conference, a worldwide Bible-based crusade against the Anti-Christ himself, the Archbishop of Canterbury. Oh Sodom, Oh Gomorrah!

But to those who worry that our Anglican communion might be splitting apart, our curate, Rev Gomorrah Jensen-Slope, says: "Fear not !" Schism would mean us losing all the real estate and the rental income, including the St Jensen's Worship Space itself, and we have no intention of doing that. We are not Methodists. Men, please remind your good lady wives that the cleaning and supper roster is to be strictly observed.